Me looking at my neighbor of three years: ...hey pal! Me at the dog park after one minute: Hi Sadie, Buttons, Sophie, Lottie, Louie, Beau, Granger, Lucy, Tiny Joe, Scribbles, Champ, Captain, Mo, Brownie, Moose, Rory and Cannoli!

This perp walk has everything -Italian eyebrows -Mayor under investigation for bribery -Cop who looks like he just bought that NYPD hat at a bodega on the way -Guy decked out in gear worth millions plus 7-dollar sunglasses from Dicks Sporting Goods

Just walked by a squirrel sitting inside someone’s Christmas nativity scene but I laughed so hard I scared him away before I could take a photo and caption it with a pun so upsetting the WGA would finally ask me to leave

Your honor I’d like to call my first witness

Italians haven’t rallied around one of their own like this since Tommy DeVito and all he murdered was his own career

Looking forward to the trial being moved to Long Island so that he can truly be judged by a jury of his peers (Italians with guns)

Me watching the Yankees in the 5th inning: Well, nothing will ever feel this bad. Juan Soto:

Genuinely cannot wait for Budweiser’s AI Super Bowl commercial

Is this what it feels like to be the dude in a situationship

She just got the job but she’s already hard at work making a pantsuit from 101 Dalmatians.

I walk my dog on Long Island free from the anxiety that I could bump into @thedogist at any moment in an outfit so horrific it’d make the @dieworkwear guy retire

This actually tracks cuz no women want to watch you.

Every Olympic diver should win gold for being able to jump off a 30 foot platform and then hear a judge say their splash was a little too big

Tim Walz is gonna be the first VP to run on free school lunches, expanding background checks and a national thermostat minimum of 74 degrees.

Yes, I will do anything to get the grocery checkout person to like me. I’m passing back the divider with haste, I’m running to get items the person in front of me forgot, I’m double bagging these myself and my card is OUT and READY!!!! *therapist jots down a longggggg note*

Just a heads up that anyone can get an Olympic rings tattoo. They don’t even check if you actually accomplished anything

Everyday I give my dog treats like an Italian uncle handing out crisp fives at a birthday party, “…here’s a little something just fa you.”

*song comes on shuffle with a message I want to hear* divine intervention, a note from beyond, the universe at work *song comes on shuffle with the opposite message I want to hear* meaningless, immediate skip, what is shuffle anyway, frankly none of my business

The only thing more embarrassing than showing up to a restaurant first is showing up second and having to peak around the tables, look a server dead in the eye and say you’re “meeting someone” like you’re bragging about having one friend. Terrible.