Try to sexualise this relationship between us if you like, book. But, I have to warn you, it's possible that at some point I may read you while taking a dump. In that context, this ’We shouldn’t, should we?’ hesitancy will seem less coquettish and more a desperate plea for mercy.

This gentleman doesn’t look like he agrees with the title’s representation of his sexual history.

Hard-bitten Detective Killian Murder is prepared for retirement. From the title, you may imagine grisly developments change his mind, but actually he meets Ambrose Never and Julian Retires - together, they form a folk group and tour CAMRA pubs around the Suffolk waterways.

I'm not suggesting this to be flippant, but there is no way the title and cover of this book indicate this could be anything but an astonishingly poignant depiction of the travails of a young woman who suffers from chronic flatulence. Imagine ‘Me Before You’, but with IBS.

As Lisa posed, she thought about the jar of lemons she’d bizarrely brought along to the photoshoot. She imagined them crying out in anguish as they watched her flaunt the coat she’d fashioned from the skin of their eviscerated brethren. Finally, she could smile.

“Are you sure I look like I’m jumping in this photo, rather than propelling myself upward using only the momentum of my own farts?”

You have to question whether a horse gave this advice to Anna, or if the stable boy she’s now having an affair with is also a ventriloquist.

Shakespeare’s masterpiece depicting a vain king’s descent into madness after he gets his cock caught in his zip.

Shakespeare’s brutal and poignant portrait of a hipster who mocks the dead by reminding skulls they can no longer high-five.

The classic Shakespearian tragedy about two men determinedly trying to figure out how to use chopsticks.

…to acknowledge that, as I’m very informally dressed, you really should be questioning whether I’m a legitimate medical practitioner.

…to urinate into this cup. I’d then like to take a quick swab of your cervix to test for chlamydia and gonorrhoea.

…to use this ointment twice a day and try to reduce your intake of sugary foods; they could make you more prone to another yeast infection.

Then this isn’t the most sensitive way to break it to me. A phone call would have been nice.

A ‘neuroscientist’ offers an unnecessarily high-minded justification for being into sex with little old ladies.

Novelisation of the 1998 Will Smith film about a hatemongering bellend whinging when people point out he's a twat. Also starred Gene Hackman

“I studied for my AS levels using a textbook AQA disapproved of. Now I've no feeling down the right side of my body. Learn from my mistake”

This woman studied Psychology using a textbook that wasn't approved by AQA. She lost an eye. Remember, non-AQA approved textbooks ruin lives

When Dr Ranjiv Parti discovered that there really is a heaven, he worked even harder at his job of keeping people alive just to be a prick.

Amelia gained her radiant glow on a diet of uranium. The weight melted away, but she has to hold her face in place so it doesn’t fall off.