Will Schreiner

What you get from unraveling a sweater: a thread 🧵

Why does this Italian lesson feel so French?

“Jesus take the wheel”??? The man never even had a learner’s permit.

The problem with me and my gf both using birth control is that we aren’t sure who’s IUD is doing the heavy lifting

Girlfriend was not as excited as I had hoped to find out I have been keeping a spider nest in my office secret from my coworkers so I can watch the babies grow up

String theory is when my cats see a string and hypothesizes that he can swallow it without throwing it back up (he can’t)

I’m not a touring comedian but i’ll put on a hell of a performance if you come to me

Love is dead 😢 💔

People would have the exact opposite reaction if they found out Tim Walz fucked the bisexual couch

Chapell Roan has a gay little chokehold on my gf and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to win her back

I never would’ve guessed that the hardest punchers participate in the hard punching competition at the Olympics.

Maybe it’s time to hear out the 8 people yelling on the corner downtown about the brain worm guy

The monsters I fear are the ones in the 2 hour zoom training who click the heart reaction at the end of every slide

This what I call it when I make pizza and sprinkle pop rocks over the cheese

Blasphemous is relative to who you’re praying to

I’ve gone places for love that no hot girl should ever go (mens’ restroom)

A homeless person came up to me and asked me for my sandwich that I bought for lunch. I said no. A swarm of hornets came up to me and simply took it. They did not care that I said no. Decriminalize homelessness Criminalize hornets

Somebody explain checkovs gun to my brain because most of the characters in my dreams last night were completely unnecessary to the story and didn’t even appear in the second act

If you’re stopping can you get me an order of fries? Ask for a large. They’ll know what you mean.