Wish I could be half the adult that Eve is.

Why am I attracted to the only man in this bar who has bolt cutters?

Imagine being a cruise ship comic on the Titanic.

My friend is so luxurious she has small batch artisanal bubble bath in her shower. Then I found a pube. And I'm like damn, and she has a boyfriend?!

Men pay $25 for a haircut and people wonder why he looks weird for the next week. Women pay $200+ for a noticeable haircut and no one mentions it until she inevitably brings it up.

My Agoraphobics Anonymous meeting was totally empty today???

My new therapist thinks I'm hilarious, so watch out. It's over for you hoes.

Low ponytails are drama, somber, mornings in the country. High ponytails are pep, high kicks, moms who chew gum.

My hobbies? Easy. Sexting with someone who doesn't care if I live or die.

Hi, I really need another job! So if you or someone you know needs an English, test prep, resume builder or creative writing tutor, please send them my way! RT for an endearing compliment. superprof.com/ir/28564594-79…

Want to make me cum? Ask me literally just one single question.

Women in the comments: Omg is she okay?! Men in the comments: The dogs though???

Somebody's pregnant!

I told my therapist that I'm only getting targeted ads for Ozempic and dating apps and all she could says was, "Oh no, that is bad."

Turtlenecks are in this fall which means I'm out.

If you're eating more than one bomb pop, that's stolen valor.

'X' is Heavyweights energy