I hate gay Halloween because what do you mean you’re renewed interest in the Jon Benet Ramsey case primarily among elder homosexual millennials.

“Ay, Dey inn haffa go so hard when Dey made dat azz” My wife, turning to me with a look of shock and contempt: “Oh god dammit, you drank yourself into wigger mode again didn’t you”

“Honey…I uh, I shrunk the kids? Oh, ok. You’re actually taking this better than I imagined. Ok well, sit down for the next part because there’s more: They uh…they converted to Islam. Gulp.”

Me within earshot of any non-MAGA woman at the bar: “I actually think it should have been the Cornell 0.”

Coffee so black it runs away from magic tricks

“James Talrico is pro abortion” “Dope” “James Talarico is anti-gun” “Oh sick” “James Talarico is pro trans” “Amazing” “James Talarico is wrong for Texas” “Oh holy shit this was an attack ad and not an endorsement of how based this mf is?”

If we consider that Wile E Coyote could have just been horny for the Roadrunner, it all seems a bit darker.

Is Coochie Stanes a good drag queen name.

Waiter at the cannibal restaurant: “And how would you like your brains? Regular or neurospicy?”

RT if you believe Allah will stop the bullets fired at Nidal Hassan and an angel will descend on live television and all Americans and their children and pets will fall on their knees in subservience. Inshallah it shall be.

Guy who just found out about code switching and thinks that’s what you use Claude for.

Did you hear about the guy who died when that painting fell on his head? He was framed.

In middle school the guys would ask me if I wanted fruit punch and then slug me in the stomach. I fell for it every time.

“Good credit, bad credit, no credit!” Oh thank god. I wasn’t sure if my good credit would be accepted at A1 Used Cars of South Austin.

Ruined my daughter’s tea party by asking the stuffed animals to name one war we’ve actually fought for our freedom since 1776.

“It’s not my job to educate you.” Me, on my first day as a teacher at the woke high school.

“I think I should be able to quit this job because I’m a go-getter, a real team player, and I have a proven track record of success.” The HR guy, baffled: “I think you’ve fundamentally misunderstood what an exit interview is.”

“Are you regular Hispanic or are you ‘Type R sticker on your Honda Accord’ Hispanic?”

Can a white boy* get a little motion**? * Caucasian 41 year old man ** my attractive Latina neighbor to compliment me again