Bad Joke Cat

I saw a cougar. In leopard-print tights. Driving a Jaguar. No lion.

To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.

Vodka, whisky, tequila. I'm calling the shots.

I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can't think how I can ever repay you.

Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards?

Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.

Exercise bikes get you nowhere.

Some helium floats into a bar and tries to order a drink. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases in here." The helium doesn't react.

I worried that my addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.

Romeo&Juliet.doc is a play on Word.

I've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only two Quidditch.

I just drank some WKD with ice in it. It was wicked.

"Where's your mum from?" "Alaska." "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself."

Police were called to a daycare centre today. A two-year-old boy was resisting a rest.

I can't believe pretzels are knot bread.

Many people are worrying about the affects of genetically modified crops. "There is no proof of any adverse effects,' said one carrot.

I hate two types of people: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words when they aren't actually there. 2) Hippocrites.

I got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song. I only went looking for Trouble.

Sometimes I watch football holding an Xbox controller just to screw with my mum's head.