Arroia (@Arroia) profile picture

Arroia

@Arroia

A tattoo and a cat lover, a devoted trekkie, an Xbox addict & a fan of all things fantasy and sci-fi. A cheeky loudmouth too.

 South Africa
favstar.fm/users/Arroia/recent
Joined July 2011
  • Tweets8.4K
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  • Followers4.1K
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Me: Why do you prefer playing with girls? 4-year-old: Because they're beautiful. Also 4-year-old: I also like playing with beautiful boys. Like He-Man. He-Man has beautiful hair.
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Jesus H Christ on a paddle board, could someone please inform Henry Cavill that humans are to look shittier as they get older, not get smoking hot. Asshole.
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My brain says I'm 25, but my birding field guide and my $500 binoculars beg to differ.
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Feeding a 4-year-old. Him: Can I have some chips? Me: Sure babe, would you like Cheesy Curls or Flings? Him: Probably strawberries.
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How about supporting a cool project on this lovely Saturday morning? Check out El Duende by McKenzie Kersen on @Kickstarter kickstarter.com/projects/118…
The resemblance of my child’s voice to that of a Pterodactyl is directly proportional to the length of the lockdown. 😑
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That awkward moment when you find the lid but can’t find the Tupperware.
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I keep all my tampons in my handbag just in case of an emergency, but mostly so my toddler can’t soak them in the dogs’ water bowl and feed them to the beasts like oversized, fluffy biscuits.
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[God creating praying mantis] G: You will be a fierce predator that strikes from the shadows. Ferns and shit will be your jungle. PM: Shweet! G: But your males will be small and squishy. PM: Aw, that’s okay, I will love him and prot G: You will eat his head if you bang. PM:
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My toddler quietly watched cupcake decorating videos for 20 minutes while I brushed his hair. Lock away your sons people, lock away your sons.
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Thanks for offering me a cup of green tea, but there’s a muddy puddle just down the road I’d rather slurp.
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The 2-year-old just asked the dog to kiss his bum. A man of success in the making.
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Cop: “you know he fast you were going?” Me: “yeah, 83.” Cop: “no you were goi.....wait, did you say 83?” Me: “yep.” Cop: “ummm that’s right. Wow, I don’t know what to do now. Why don’t you take off, I’m really confused.” – at Wisconsin, USA
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone Skeletor: *throws stone* Jesus: HEY! Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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Don’t you hate it when someone rings your doorbell and you have to play dead until the coast is clear? Same.
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Ninety percent of being a husband is being able to remember what was said when you were only partially listening…
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If dogs could drive, they would totally let you merge into traffic.
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[GOD CREATING ATHEISTS] God: I'mma make people who don't believe in me and then get mad about it Jesus: You're drunk God: Go to your cross
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Having to explain to people who ‘don’t get twitter’ where their Instagram memes come from really feels like the internet equivalent of the birds and the bees chat.
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2yo: Shoves a plastic saw toy up my bum crack. Me: "Ouch boy, don't do that." 2yo: "Cutting butt, mommy, cutting butt!" Me: "Finally articulate enough to Tweet. As you were."
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