Breaking: 4thSL signs lifetime agreement with Deus Ex Machina to replace all players with football-playing AI automatons beginning next season. The deal comes after months of denials that the league office was even interested. All athletes will be out of a job today at 1 PM PT.

Coach Weary post-game presser: “In a deterministic universe, there’s no room for praise. Our successes are owed to countless variables, over none of which we have any control. Our being here is a cosmic coincidence, a genetic and environmental quilt we did not knit. Go Pats.”

The next @4thSL champion is in this image. But where?

BREAKING: The Jets will advance to the postseason after a wild 38-34 win over the Ravens in a do-or-die game for both teams. At 10-7, the Jets will enter the playoffs as the 6 Seed, though their opponent has yet to be determined.

BREAKING: With the Jets’ loss to the Bucs, Week 18’s Jets-Ravens game is now a win-and-in playoff game for both teams. Loser goes home. Winner heads to the Wild Card!

Football-playing robot manufacturer Deus Ex Machina has issued a challenge to other leagues, offering a best-of-three series of games between robots and human players. The move is widely seen as a publicity stunt for the tech giant, but will @4thSL answer the call?

However, speaking anonymously to 4thSL Insider Kayla Chapels-Dreary, a rep for robot manufacturer Deus Ex Machina said it’s had “multiple meetings” with the tech giant dating back to August. “We have had preliminary talks. Nothing is off the table,” Chapels-Dreary was told.

Halfway through the first-ever all-robot football season in the RFL, leaders at @4thSL continue to promise that its players are insulated from employment turnover. “We have no plans of swapping out our athletes for these automatons,” a league spokesperson said.

The undefeated Giants took it down to the wire with the rival Eagles in the @4thSL Game of the Week. Watch it here: twitch.tv/videos/1848189203

The dominant Bears versus the never-say-die Commanders in a game that came down to the very last play. Don’t miss the @4thSL Game of the Week - Season 4 Week 1! twitch.tv/videos/1837469122

Raiders QB Carr benched: Las Vegas is moving on from Derek Carr after the QB suffered his first-ever mosquito bite while hiking Alaska. An allergic reaction to the bite led to Carr losing a great deal of arm strength and riding the Raiders bench for 2025.

Stumbling out of a peyote den, a Dolphins rep declared Miami the best team in the AFC East and guaranteed a division title *and* a playoff win in 2025. The stuff is highly potent, folks. Remember: everything in moderation.

The Commanders have a team full of promising youth and reliable vets, but have had trouble climbing out of the NFC East cellar. How will they do it in 2025? “No more sex pests at QB,” a team rep tells AT4thSL.

The Packers were unstoppable last fall, but fell apart in the winter and missed the playoffs. For 2025, the team is focusing on two areas: player health and playcalling balance. In the league’s hardest division, they’ll need to be ready for war.

For over two years, it’s been no secret that the Pats wanted QB AJ Darby in the 2023 Draft, but he went seven picks sooner to Carolina. Now, Coach Weary finally has his scrambling QB in Kyler Murray. On that subject coach had just three words for fans: “Pop some popcorn.”

Despite winning it all, the Stargazers have a hefty chip on their shoulder for 2025. A rep said 90% of the championship roster is returning and doubters should watch out. “Just let us in the postseason and watch us roll again.”

The Colts fell from grace in 2024, losing the 1 Seed in the final week of the season before being swiftly bounced in the playoffs. But the class of the AFC had just four words when asked about plans to rebound: “Stick to the basics.”

Despite blowing up the roster by trading away their star QB and WR, the Cardinals say they expect to stay atop the NFC thanks to newfound depth, which a rep for the team says was the glaring weakness in 2024. The 2025 Cards, he says, will be “way more explosive.”

The Chargers survived a coaching change and stayed dangerous in the AFC last season. Now, they say they’re looking to stay on top with a RB-by-committee backfield the team is calling Cerberus. A rep said the team is “hungry” to prove itself.

The best team to miss the playoffs in 2024 was arguably the Panthers, and in 2025, they’re putting stock in youth, said a Panthers rep. QB Darby can “make all the throws” and first-round rookie DT Grant is already being compared to the likes of John Henderson and Reggie White.