Anna

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Turns out the protein’s not gonna eat itself 😢

There should be some sort of emergency alert system for when your husband starts chewing. Like the ThunderCats or Batman symbol in the sky, and all your friends come running. Maybe even the police and a lawyer. Or the Dateline narrator…

Who’s gonna tell my pharmacist that he can do better than “C as in cancer?”

“I’m going to get SO much done while the kids are at camp,” she lied.

Women in their 40s: What do we want? More hair on our heads and an uninterrupted hour on the couch God: Best I can do is a thick mustache and an 8am soccer tournament three hours away in the rain

The person who chose @Pink to host @TheTonyAwards deserves a raise

I can’t possibly be snoring because I’m lying here listening to YOU snore - a love story

I just had my physical and it turns out apple pie à la mode is not considered a healthy breakfast

“The Nightmare After Election Day” - coming soon to an NY theater near you

Therapist: And what do we do when we panic about WWIII? Me: Shop online for things we don’t need? Therapist: Correct

I just choked on an egg and that’s how I know I should have ordered a waffle

For once I would just like a doctor to say don’t worry, you can fix this ailment by complaining about it

*describe yourself in one sentence* Really wanted to get revenge but was sooo comfortable watching tv on the couch

Guys, something big and exciting is coming!! * * my lunch

Any other middle-aged ladies feel like all you do all day is remove hair from some places while trying to grow it in others?

*watching Jaws with my kid* Kid: Was this made in like the 1900s?

“We haven’t seen a midfielder use her left foot to deflect a free kick from a right footed fullback under light cloud cover since the second Thursday of the Tokyo Olympics” - Olympics announcers #OlympicGames #Paris2024 #ParisOlympics2024

I just heard my husband say “good, how are you?” and I was like “no one asked!” and then I realized he was on a work call

I’m pretty sure it was the Lord who said “She that doeseth the laundry shall keepeth the money she finds in the pockets”

My husband’s love language is a home cooked meal, which is sad for him