Thanks Lisa

You never know how a baby is going to change your life

The Bermuda triangle, when the strongest shape is also the most mysterious.

Call me Satan, Mr Beast is my dad's name.

At Bard's Apothecary. 6.45 pm April 8 - 20

I don't know why they call it a snuff film, murder movie was right there. The judge agrees. He still thinks I shouldn't have made one

People are sympathetic if you have a sick kid, but they're less sympathetic if you made your kid sick in order to receive sympathy. Which is crazy because it's not like my kid is suddenly any less sick, if anything I should get more sympathy for being sick as well.

Setting fires is a sign that a kid is a psychopath but also humanities first invention. Which scares me because my child just reinvented the wheel

My privilege is like my bank balance, I don't want to check it because I'm scared its going down.

You used to to get cocaine in Coca-Cola. You still can if you have $300 and you believe in yourself.

Not enough woman my age having kids so I have to go after Dmilf (dog mums I'd like to fuck)

They let dogs into pubs now, but I'm the problem when I drink beers in the dog park. Sorry spot, equality goes both ways.

Crazy that snakes make the same shape as DNA when they share it

*ringing the town crier bell* hear ye hear ye, I've got leprosy