There is no act more precious than eating a handful of chocolate chips out of the cupboard. It is a sacred moment between you, the cupboard, and the bag of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chips that once had another purpose but now exist to give you strength in this time of weakness.

I’d be remiss not to acknowledge my closest companion this and every holiday season, the fuckin’ bowl of nuts on the coffee table.

The creators of eggnog understood consumers were clamoring for a drink that was one thing and one thing only: viscous.

Thank you for bringing cookies. They’re fuckin’ disgusting and I thought they were meant to be ornaments.

The internet has been so good for cooking because now when someone wants a recipe they get the recipe AND a list of potential changes to it straight from the batshit mind of Debbie from Minnesota.

Fuck microwave reminder beeps. If I forgot I was making food something very serious has happened and I need you to fuck off for one second so I can concentrate.

Want restaurant-quality results at home? Here are some tips for reviewing résumés for an in-house chef.

If I have trouble exiting your patio seating area I'm just gonna jump the fence as I press enter on a one-star review.

Choosing 2 sides is so fuckin' great because you get to stress out over a decision involving macaroni and cheese.

You think your largest bag of kettle corn intimidates me? Look in my eyes: I'll buy kettle corn in a fuckin' grain silo.

Instead of napkins we have a roll of paper towels at the table because I see no difference between your face and a fuckin' kitchen spill.

Your love of chicken nuggets is so unique. Chicken and breading are both so divisive, but against all odds you enjoy the combination. Fuck.

100% pure maple syrup completely transforms the pancake-eating experience from shameful to pure shame.

Craft beer? As in arts and crafts? Like to you it's personal and important but everyone else thinks you made a piece of shit?

This is your good French toast recipe? It looks an awful fuckin' lot like it's just bread with raisins in it.

Before refrigeration iced tea was a fuckin' myth. People drank hot tea all the time, even when their throats felt fine.

Fuck walk-up ice cream stands I will not be made into a spectacle for everyone successfully controlling their impulses.

When your bananas rot to shit because you suck at eating fruit you don't suddenly deserve banana bread fuck you.

Guacamole made at the table is so cool. I also clap for mashed potatoes because I'm a fuckin' idiot.

When you say you love fair food what I hear is you love eating grease in a loud field.