My kid has had a phone since he was FIVE and never so much as scratched it. Now he’s 19 and today his phone is at the bottom of the Charles River.

This is probably my last tweet. It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to post it. My husband is rooting for KC and he’s an absolute shit bird.

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t know how this happened to him.

You guys have been SAYING George Santos but I’ve been HEARING George Soros and I’ve been very confused. JOHN: “I appreciate you telling me that because that’s pretty dumb.”

So I understand now why he has haters, but someone is going to have to explain to me why he ever had FANS.

I was going to brag that my child flew across the country to come home. But he lives in Boston. That’s barely a real flight. It just feels like he’s far away.

Twitter being a garbage fire and Fresca making a canned tequila cocktail can’t be a coincidence. I’m going to have to pass the time somehow.

I also wonder where you live if you think honking at a SEPTA bus or Philly garbage truck is going to make them move any faster.

When a driver honks non-stop in standstill traffic in front of my house, I imagine them as Ralph Wiggum saying, “I’m helping!”

I’m pulling the trigger. I’m cold. There’s nothing like that stale heat smell.

My iPhone being on all the time is stupid. Who wants this? Oh god please don’t answer if you do. I’m hearing I can turn this off but someone is going to have to do it while I’m sleeping, because I’ll never bother.

Chris Christie just said Herschel Walker is in trouble. What a night!

I had to go vote like a grown human person and Dr. Oz was a choice. Like not a valid choice, but a choice nonetheless.

I’m in the tub hearing the occasional weird sound. It’s cars running over my plants that were smashed and thrown in the street. I gotta tell you, Philadelphia. I’m getting pretty fucking sick of you.

My kid goes to a liberal arts school and I had to tell him the Phillies were in the World Series.

I think even if a guy hits a foul or even a “can of corn” that these guys on base should get to keep running. It would really change things up.

Holy shit these are the uniforms I’ve been waiting for.

If we lose after Meek Mill and the Phantaic, we deserve it.

A man threatened to kick my ass for wearing Astros sneakers. Stay tight, Philadelphia.

One of Jonas's college friend's parents enjoys John's work, but he's "more of a @reneritchie fan."