Alan Barns

Every day I had above ground was a great day but sadly they have all been used up. Do me a favour, keep on re-tweeting my old tweets to bring smiles & laughter in to the world & remember that no one gets out alive so don't take life too seriously. Alan 😊

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I'm still fixing her sink.

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.

I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.

The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilise one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.