twofishbluefish

*Drunk me talking to creepy old dude at the bar* Me: So, old timer, what was it like back in the day? COD: How do you mean? Me: You know, before Amber Alerts. *winks*

I just found out that I suck at life. Imagine my relief.

Am I wrong?

Why is it that I can tweet on twitter, but when I call my sitter sweet my wife gets mad? #doublestandards

I still say "cheese and rice!" instead of "Jesus Christ!" Not because I love Jesus Christ, but because I love cheese and rice.

Cheese is natures way of saying milk can be pretty good if you just give it time.

The best way i can describe dogs is... Theyre basically humans who are moderately drunk 24 hrs a day.

Did some exersize today. Okay, light cardio. And by light cardio I mean fucking for 7 minutes. Okay, 2 minutes... Okay, I jerked off.

If there is a more useless fast food place than @TimHortons I havent found it.

Represent.com/rainn Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

PSA Men need to ejaculate regularly to prevent prostate problems Women, if u dont feel like having sex, tro a handy his way. For his health!

Premonition... maybe baby.

Cure for the common cold: Herbal Tea 1 oz Honey 2 oz Yukon Jack How does @UniofOxford not know this?

You want a lot of Instagram followers? Easy. Keep your account "open" and then sell your soul to satan.

*Washing my face at work* Older Coworker: My mom use to wash my face in the sink. Me: Haha. Mine use to hold my head under the water. Him:

Id like to have a minute of silence for those we've lost. RIP Grimace Mayor McCheese Hamburgaler And the Fry Girl that nobody remembers

When I get mandated for work on Saturdays, I hafta choose between making money or rubbing a few out to the latest @justinbieber video.

When you try to be sweet, but youre akward af.

Dear high schoolers, Our bully shot himself Our beefy football star molested boys The quiet akward kid smashed a ton of hot tail Just sayin

Getting laid 101