Your Angry Waitress

$24,000 English degree, and a 7-year-old at my table just used a word I didn't know.

Me: *clears empty plate* how was everything? Customer: *chuckling* awful, I hated it. Me: *repeatedly stabs them in the face with fork*

A moment of silence for my wasted potential

You win again, fry bowl.

I will not eat fries I will not eat fries I will not eat fries I will not eat fries I will not eat fries I will not eat fries I will not

Remember to relax. It's steak and fries, not saving lives.

When you accidentally splash dirty cutlery water into your mouth and don't even flinch, it's probably time to get out of the serving game

Unless the way you're tapping on your glass is morse code for "excuse me, may I please have more water", then you're being a real dick.

And on Wednesdays, we wear the same uniforms we wear every other day...

You probably think we have an unspoken agreement in which I don't eat your fries off your plate before I bring it to you, but you're wrong.

A woman just asked for a decaf non-fat vanilla latte. What about our menu made you think that was even a possibility?

I'd like to give a shout out to all the bus boys out there who consistently fail to do their jobs. Thanks for never letting me down.

When people ask "What's your story?" I say "You got 21 years for me to tell it?" then we laugh and I never tell them anything about myself.

Running food is my cardio.

Caught myself saying "Mr. Potato, you're my best friend" to my mid-shift snack of a baked potato so I think it's time to change jobs now

The best is when people ask you to add your own shitty tip to the total instead of doing it themselves. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I was away traveling for 2 months. Day 1 back at work: Forgot to wear underwear and multiple people ordered herbal tea with dinner. Classic.

If I got paid for all the hours I spend having nightmares about serving I would be seriously loaded

A girl said it was her birthday. As a joke, my coworker said to stand on her chair so he could sing to her. Turns out, she only had 1 leg.