Support me in raising funds and awareness for the DGR by dressing dapper and riding for prostate cancer and men's mental health. gentlemansride.com/s/335977/…

Do any of my friends still use twitter? I'm only reminded about it when someone tries to reset my password and I get a notification.

They ran out of "I voted" stickers last night. I almost reached into the box to pull my ballot out in protest.

My wife thinks that I spend too much time on my phone and don't pay attention to her. Hold on, she's saying something else now.

Do people still make magazine racks for the bathroom or did those go extinct when smartphones were invented?

Had to park crooked between 2 a*holes who don't know how to park. Now that they're gone I look like an a*hole.

Check engine light came up on the used car I've owned for a month. Turns out I'm low on washer fluid. Close one. #bmw

The sun blacks out at 10am on a Monday when I'm at work and it's a "natural phenomenon." When I do that it's a "problem."

Black DJ playing corridos at TGIFridays. Only in San Bernardino.

Ten attempts to reset my twitter password in the last 10 seconds? Nice try North Korea.

I know it's time for bed when I drop my phone on my face.

I ordered a medium hot coffee. Turns out it was all the way hot because I still burned my tongue. #adulting

"I've never been this hungry in my entire life." - me every two hours

If 50% of the my body is water, 100% of that should be coffee by now.

Why are tortillas not in the "Hispanic Food" aisle at the grocery store?

Bad news: forgot wallet at home somewhere. Good news: I can pay for Starbucks and subway with my phone.

Yogurt and whiskey was a bad idea.

Question for my friends in interracial relationships: how often do people ask if you want separate checks at the end of dinner?

Shoutout to whoever is trying to reset my twitter password.