Wife at 2pm: Hope you’re ready for me to rock your world tonight. Wife at 7pm:

Dear wives, A public service announcement from every tired husband: We’ll remember the thing. We’ll fix the thing… eventually. We won’t set anything on fire. Calm down.

What’s one thing your spouse “helps” with that you still don’t trust them to do, so you end up watching them or just doing it yourself?

Wife: “Do you want to come shopping with me?” Me: “I can’t. I’ve got things to do.” Wife: “Well, unless it’s going through that old box of cables you’ve held on to since you were thirteen, you’re coming.” Me: “I’m not even sure that’s legal.” Wife: “Well, let’s go then.” Me:

Me: "Marriage gets easier when you stop expecting your spouse to decode your mood. Use your words." Wife:

Wife: "We're going to my mother's for Christmas this year." Me:

Me: “Finally, a weekend with nothing to do.” Wife: “Get up real quick. I wanna see what the couch looks like in the kitchen.”

As a trophy husband, when my wife and I aren’t speaking during a disagreement, I don’t yell, slam doors, or raise my voice. But there will be signs.

Wow… I’m speechless.. Is this actually happening? Thank you so much!

I’m my wife’s emergency contact, which is concerning because my entire emergency response plan is to call my wife.

I have a confession to make. When my wife’s in a mood, I sit and talk to Grok for hours.

Wife: “Can you help me clean? It would be nice once in a while.” Me: “Sorry, dear. That headache you mentioned last night has now found its way to me.”

Honestly, can a relationship and/or marriage survive if one person uses an iPhone and the other has an Android?

Me literally driving anywhere: Wife: "Why did you go this way?"

Wife: “If you could go back in time, would you marry me again?” Me: “Absolutely!” Wife: “Really? That's so romantic!” Me: “Yes. I'd love to see the look on my younger self's face when I explain what's coming!”

Well, it’s official. I finally secured the username I was meant to have. My wife is still deciding whether I’m the trophy or the participation award. At least X has already made its decision. Just in case anyone was still doubting, no further explanation should be required.

This morning my wife asked, “Are you mad at me?” I said, “No.” She said, “You sound mad.” I said, “I’m just tired.” She said, “Tired of me?” I said, “No. I just woke up early.” She said, “So this is my fault?” I realized the only safe move was, “I love you.” She said, “Why are you changing the subject?”

I'm not allowed in the kitchen today. It's Thanksgiving and my wife is cooking up a storm. Apparently I was getting in the way, so she sent me to the store to pick up something that would “contribute to dinner.” So I did. I brought home this:

Marriage be like: She said I never look at her anymore. I looked. She asked why I was staring.

My wife said she needed space. I went to the other room. Ten minutes later she came in and asked why I was being distant. I have accepted that I will never understand the rules.