Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared) header
Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared) profile picture

Jared Schwartz

@thekidjared

what’s up y’all tryna chill?

 Staten Island, NY
linktr.ee/Jaredschwartz
Joined March 2011
  • Tweets18.1K
  • Following639
  • Followers998
1.1KMedia
Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)Photo by Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)
We’re not ready for broadcaster LeBron. The lies he’s gonna be spewing will be ungodly 😂
Legion Hoops (@LegionHoops) profile pictureLegion Hoops
@LegionHoops26 Mar 2025
“You trying to tell me Giannis wouldn't be able to play an NBA game in the 70’s? Giannis would have 250 points in a game in the 70’s.” — LeBron James (via @PatMcAfeeShow, h/t @ohnohedidnt24)
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If I don’t know a guy for the job then I got a guy who knows a guy for the job
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On the day I take off, takeoff takes off. Damn. RIP
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Wow can’t believe I promoted on here about the Adult Swim YouTube Smalls series I was in on. All 3 episodes are available to watch. m.youtube.com/playlist?list=…
Image from Jared Schwartz (@thekidjared)
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Are you connecting?
I enjoy walking down a crowded street with my girlfriend and seeing dudes visibly confused
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
Joe Pompliano (@JoePompliano) profile picture
Joe Pompliano
@JoePompliano4 Jul 2022
Only an idiot would get between Joey Chestnut and a hot dog on July 4th
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If your freezer isn’t a Jenga and or Tetris game your life is boring
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One of the best to do it
Jamar Malachi Neighbors (@JamarMalachi) profile pictureJamar Malachi Neighbors
@JamarMalachi23 May 2022
Here’s a picture of me doing stand up comedy.
Image from Jamar Malachi Neighbors (@JamarMalachi)
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I want Kanye’s author era already
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Im going to be in Brooklyn and DC for some shows in June. Come hangout. It will be a good time. linktr.ee/lilsasquatch
Image from Lil Sasquatch (@lilsasquatch66)
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I added finishing chapsticks to my resume
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Pretty crazy draft night. Didn’t see this coming, thank you.
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
The Stand NYC (@TheStandNYC) profile picture
The Stand NYC@TheStandNYC20 Apr 2022
Tonight 7:00PM HUMP DAY TREAT @katbelinfante @hansdickie @emilwakim Christiana Jackson @thekidjared @DSGermain 🎟️🎟️🎟️ thestandnyc.com/shows/show/2…
Hump Day Treat! on April 20, 2022 | The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club

Hump Day Treat! on April 20, 2022 | The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club

thestandnyc.com
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
The Stand NYC (@TheStandNYC) profile picture
The Stand NYC@TheStandNYC31 Mar 2022
Tonight 7:00PM MOMMA'S BOY @thekidjared @IANfidance @kfreehams @directordaddyy @A_ronson @kylemara_ @FranqiFrench 🎟️🎟️🎟️ thestandnyc.com/shows/show/2…
Momma's Boy Comedy! on March 31, 2022 | The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club

Momma's Boy Comedy! on March 31, 2022 | The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club

thestandnyc.com
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
thatsfunny (@thatsfunny) profile picture
thatsfunny@thatsfunny31 Mar 2022
heyNY @TheStandNYC 7pm tonight @thekidjared @KFreehams @ianimal69 8pm @ComedianCP @michaelkosta @LaughingVlad @ComicMikeV @aaronbergcomedy & more
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
Dan Carney (@DanManCarney) profile picture
Dan Carney
@DanManCarney24 Mar 2022
Elon Musk put a chip in my brain
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
The Stand NYC (@TheStandNYC) profile picture
The Stand NYC@TheStandNYC17 Mar 2022
Tonight 7:00PM MOMMA'S BOY COMEDY @thekidjared @JennyGorelick @abbygov @IamEmmaWillmann @mookiethompson @ConstantlyGus 🎟️🎟️🎟️ thestandnyc.com/shows/show/2…
Momma's Boy Comedy! on March 17, 2022 | The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club

Momma's Boy Comedy! on March 17, 2022 | The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club

thestandnyc.com
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Jared Schwartz retweeted
thatsfunny (@thatsfunny) profile picture
thatsfunny@thatsfunny17 Mar 2022
heyNY @TheStandNYC 7pm tonight @mookiethompson @IamEmmaWillmann @thekidjared 8pm @ciphasounds @michaelkosta @PaulVirzi 10pm @Derek1Gaines #AriShaffir @franciscellis & more
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Just realized 9/11 is legal to drink this year. Toast to that
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