Good Joe

“How do I stop cutting myself?” That’s what five high schoolers asked me after I preached my story at a youth group. Yes, I used to cut myself. It’s one of the most vulnerable parts of my story, but I can’t stay silent about it. For years, self-harm was my escape from anxiety and depression. I had severe anxiety and anger issues, and hurting myself became my release. At first I felt crazy. Then I became desensitized. It started to feel normal. When loved ones found out, I was shamed for it, and that made me feel even more helpless. When I first began seeking God, I stepped into a Christian community even though I hadn’t fully surrendered my life to Jesus. I was still cutting whenever I didn’t know how to process what was happening in my life. One day, my Christian roommate found me on the bathroom floor, doing the deed. I broke down, expecting to be judged and shamed.  God hates me. I hate me. I deserve this. She thinks I’m crazy. I don’t deserve to be loved. I barely knew her, but she took the knife away and held me as I sobbed on the bathroom floor.  It was an ugly scene. Helplessness. That’s what it was. Everything in my life was going terribly wrong, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I hated God, I hated the people who hurt me, and I hated myself. That’s why self-harm was so attractive. It was the only place I felt in control. I couldn’t hurt God or others in my anger, so I hurt myself instead. Someone deserved to pay. Then a voice, not audible but clear as day, said to me: “Someone already paid.” My roommate was praying, but I couldn’t hear a word she said. The voice continued: “I’ve been cut already.  You don’t need to do this.” I let out a guttural cry, because I knew exactly who was speaking. Every shred of hate, anger, and pain I had wished on others and carried out on myself had already been placed on God Himself on the cross. But that cry also came from grief. God’s grief. I knew every cut I had made on myself was like a cut on His own heart. This was the farthest thing He ever wanted for His creation. Friends, the deception of Satan is strong. He comes to steal, KILL, and destroy. He can do a lot, but he cannot touch your identity. You carry dignity bestowed by a loving Creator who yearns for you to know Him. If we truly honor God, we would never harm His image bearers. Do we think so lowly of Him that we would desecrate the image that reflects Him? Let Him heal your wounds, not just the physical ones. He promises to never leave you or forsake you. I am a living testimony of that. Let Him sit with you and embrace you on that bathroom floor, in whatever morbid place you feel the most helpless. You know exactly what His voice sounds like. He is calling you.