Live From Crapper Creek, Alaska

Our 4/20 THOUGHT OF THE DAY....."You can tell a lot about a person by how well they clean the snow off of their car".....

The World Cup quarterfinals begin today. The first match will see Team Not the United States go up against Another Team That's Not the United States. Then tomorrow, Who Cares faces off against a Bunch of Random Dudes Kicking a Ball for 90 Minutes.

Guns N' Roses is suing a Texas flower shop for using the band name. Goo Goo Dolls is doing the same to a company that sells sex robots.

CNN has begun layoffs. But no fact checkers will be laid off . . . that's because CNN doesn't have fact checkers.

Kanye West says Elon Musk should allow Alex Jones back on Twitter. ...Damn,... that's a lot of crazy for one sentence.

Qatar has become the earliest host nation to be knocked out from the World Cup in its 92-year history. If only they were as good at soccer as they are at suppressing women's rights.....

The Mormon Church announced they're getting behind gay marriage. Which was shocking, because the Mormon Church has always defined marriage as a sacrament between a man and a woman . . . and another woman and another woman and what the hell, maybe a few more.

A new study says declining sperm counts in men worldwide could threaten the future of humanity. Also threatening the future of humanity: The McRib.

Gisele Bundchen bought a mansion across from Tom Brady. That way she can just run across the street if she needs to borrow hairspray.

There are between 350 and 430 languages spoken in the United States. And yet not a single one of them resembles whatever the hell Vin Diesel is speaking.

RIP-Jerry Lee Lewis He gave us "Great Balls of Fire". And the less popular follow-up, "Giant Smoldering Vagina".,,,he will be missed

A Texas woman claims her house is haunted by horny ghosts. So, I guess we finally know what ectoplasm is.

Paul McCartney was voted most popular Beatle in a new poll. He was followed by John, then George, then Volkswagen, then Beetle Bailey, then the dung beetle . . . and THEN Ringo.

McDonald's is rolling out adult Happy Meals: . . . They want parents and children to bond over the joys of obesity.

Mayor Eric Adams said New York City has a "brand" that a place like Kansas doesn't have. I hate to break it to Mayor Adams, but the overpowering stench of pee is not a brand.

Scientists developed an insulin tablet that can be taken orally. But if they really want to win Americans over, they'll develop an insulin candy.

Meta will launch a new VR headset in October. Until then, people who want to live in an alternate reality will have to continue watching Fox News.

Everyone in England continues to mourn Queen Elizabeth: . . . Meanwhile, Charles is now "King Charles," William is now "Prince of Wales," and Harry is now "that guy with a podcast."

Today is National Fight Procrastination Day. I'm definitely going to observe it . . . tomorrow or the next day.

Monday is Labor Day: . . . Some woke people want to cancel Labor Day because they say it's disrespectful to lazy Americans.