"Okay love you dad!" - Me "Yup, see ya" - My Dad

I was just looking at hot wheels cars in the grocery store and a man walked by and said, “for the boy?” and I said “yup!” Which felt like a lie, but it wasn’t, for I am the boy.

My one hour @WestJet flight is now 23 hours long.

Says the $5 plastic bucket.

Dollar stores might as well call themselves “stores” now.

Me: “I love this cereal” Kelly: “Is it healthy though?” Me: “Yes” Kelly: “How do you know?” Me: “…It has a monkey on it”

Not sure about the timing of this Science World…

Fight Club only it’s me flossing my teeth.

Adam Silver, the commissioner of the NBA, sent me a personal email today 🥰

Just told my Gen Z improv class that if “Wazzzzzzuuuuupp” was a Pokémon it would definitely be Lickitung and they had no idea what I was talking about, but I mean COME ON!

This garbage can wants me to get a rock hard boner.

My fiancé is in Hawaii swimming with turtles. I just crushed two Costco hot dogs and feel sick.

Woah, where did my blue check mark go?….😏

Happy Confusing Red/Green Colourblindness Day!

Just one more half cup of coffee. That’ll make me feel normal…

Yeah I’m a foodie* *gets Parmesan on my subway sandwich

Down with the monarchy for sure, but before they go can we all start calling eggplants aubergines?

It's weird seeing all these headlines about Prince Harry because that's what I call my butt.