Dan LaMorte

There’s the finish folks. Finished my first ultramarathon (40 miles on trails) in 9 hours flat. I am so thankful for all of you who have taken an interest in my story, my weight loss and my running life. This finish was for all of us.

The guy in front of me on this flight reclined his seat so far back that he tried turning off my air vent because it was, “making his head chilly.”

I had one of those weddings where numerous people came up to us and said, “We could genuinely feel the love in the air.” A year and half later, we got divorced. It must’ve been asbestos.

Just smoked a joint for the first time in 4 months, within 10 minutes, I convinced myself a car was following me home. I move forward, it slowly moved forward. A second car does the same. Then I realize, I’m standing next to a fast-food drive thru. God I’ve missed this excitement

I’ve been seeing a lot of pregnant runners lately, which is bad ass, but it makes you wonder if that’s good for the baby. The number one thing I know about babies is you’re not supposed to shake them, maybe running is more of a stir than a shake.

Getting divorced is the most adult thing I’ve done in my life so far. I don’t have a mortgage, but I do have an ex-wife, and that seems like the same thing to me.

Everyone is talking about how super shoes make you faster in the marathon, but watch how quickly you finish when you wear them in the bedroom. Sub-2 minutes.

Eating 50 grams of carbs every 25 minutes in the bedroom to let her know she’s fucking an athlete

354 pounds, to a 1:25 half marathon finish. I’ve been an ultra runner for a few years, but decided to mess around with speed a bit lately. Training hard, processing a divorce, but at no point have taken the foot off the gas. Last 2.5 miles were in the 5:00’s. Life rewards work.

Sure, Tylenol MAY cause autism, but Clavicular has proven gently smashing your face with a hammer DEFINITELY gives it to you.

Losing a drastic amount of weight, naturally, before the Ozempic craze, means you get accused of it no matter what. It’s like being the German guy who moved to Argentina before the Nazi-stuff happened, and he’s just chilling there like, “No, I really loved empanadas.”

I had no idea how much of my divorce was going to take place in a Staples print center. The old man who works there finally said to me, after printing more documents, “Hey, I’ve been there, it gets better.”

Anytime you think you can’t do something in life, just look at this guy. He became a professional cornhole player, then was driving a car full of people, shot his passenger, and dumped the body. I heard they couldn’t find a single fingerprint at the scene. Hard to handcuff too.

Even after you lose weight, the stretch marks remain. It’s like a name tattoo of an ex, but for Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwiches.

The funniest thing about getting into really good shape after being 350+ pounds is that even though I have abs now, it still looks like a man with abs is trying to escape from inside of me, because of the extra skin

Seven years ago I weighed over 350 pounds, now I’m being invited to run races with Olympians and athletes I’ve looked up to for years. If you put the work in, sometimes it gets rewarded. Wonderful day raising money for Cancer Support LA.

Ever since quitting weed, I’ve had wild dreams. People told me to take melatonin, it would help, so last night I did and ended up fighting in the battle of Stalingrad with one of the doctors from The Pit…and we weren’t fighting for the good guys

One of the younger kids who goes to my gym asked me what I use for a pre workout, he said, “You always come in ready to go, what do you take?” I said, “This great new supplement called ‘My wife left me’, don’t worry, wait a few years and you may be lucky enough to get some too.”