My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!” Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.

an old woman in the lane next to us on the highway was driving with her knees while texting with one hand and putting on her makeup with the other and my wife was like “i wonder where she’s going” and, it’s like, she’s probably going to the 10 car pile-up she’s about to cause

me ordering a hot dog at the ballpark like "and can i get that Mike's Way?"

i told my wife "i love you more every day" and she took a really long time to respond before saying "y'know i don't necessarily think i love you more every day but i definitely think i like everyone else less" and, it's like, thanks?

my wife just threw up her hands and was like “why do i bother? i should just hurl myself into a deep hole in the desert and live out my days at the bottom!” which might sound overly dramatic but, in her defense, it was taking her slightly longer than usual to find her sunglasses

traveling with my wife is like living through an SAT question: If my wife and I both agree to “pack light” and I only pack 1 bag then how am I then in the airport carrying 5 bags, 1 purse plus a Ziplock bag full of loose makeup while my wife carries nothing at all? Solve for X

one time a kid at school called me “ugly” and my dad was like “hey, bill gates, mark zuckerberg, winston churchill… some of the most successful people in history have been ugly” and i was like, thanks dad, but i was looking for something more along the lines of “you’re NOT ugly”

growing up in the Midwest didn’t make me down-to-earth, it just made it so instead of being high-maintenance about stuff like designer fashion brands, I’m high-maintenance about stuff like diners having subpar milkshake consistency

parents who are strict with their kids love to be like “i’m their parent, not their friend!” but then when their kids grow up, those same parents are like “why don’t they ever call or visit me?” and it’s like, call or visit? You mean things you famously do WITH YOUR FRIENDS???

I always used to think my parents were out to get me but then my therapist explained that constantly blaming other people for what are clearly my own shortcomings is a textbook sign of immaturity and so now I think my therapist is out to get me.

everybody loves to talk about how 50% of marriages end in divorce but nobody wants to acknowledge how, considering like 90% of married couples obviously should get divorced, 50% is actually a pretty good retention rate

the thing about having a midwestern dad is that he's never said "i love you" to any of his children but he always manages to say "god, i love this guy" about literally every waiter we've ever had

people will be like “but if we raise taxes on billionaires then the billionaires will just leave!” and it’s like, oh really, you’re saying we’d either gain more money in tax revenue or lose the weirdest people with the worst vibes? sounds like a win-win

a subtle sign that a girl comes from money is if she likes her dad

I mentioned to someone who grew up rich that they grew up rich and they were like “no, I technically didn’t because that money was my parents’ money, not my money” and then I was like, oh really, what did your parents spend their money on? and they were like “oh, mostly me”

today is my birthday and even though i’m turning 32, as a white person who doesn’t wear sunscreen, my face is turning 58

i’ve never won the lottery but i have gone to the bathroom while waiting for my food at a restaurant and then come back from the bathroom to find my food at the table which i imagine feels pretty similar

great news

“and it appears that… yes… my children’s kindly British nanny has been my ex-husband in disguise all along”