David Horn

I went to the zoo and they said they “ran out of monkeys” ????

Name idea: Namey (Like Amy but more clear its a name)

Nobody is named Casper anymore Casper's Friends and family: Too soon!

Breaking bread with my enemies. Now I have a new enemy it's the guy who's bread we broke!

Horses are cars you can get drunk with

Chuffed to bits sounds like something that happens after a grenade goes off

They're called the jaws of life but do NOT deliver a baby with them

a hot tub wanted to fight me it was a j'accuse jet

my tweets routinely pull fifteens of views

Puzzles are a solved game. A 1000 piece puzzle can be completed in around 1000 moves

What are you supposed to do after you finish a puzzle? Just look at it like ahh my puzzle ??

The year is 2056...Eggs are illegal. To make an omelette...you have to break a few laws...

Benny is cool but the jets suck they're all like fffhfhhcccscchhooooooowwwwsshh

Bugs got worms fish got eels amphibians got caecilians Theres no mammal version of a snake

Check out my show tonight at metro comedy 10:30 foxticket.cz/comedy-club?lan…

Alone with my own thoughts? In THIS economy??

God: and when there was one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you. and this mess is when you started squirming around and I dropped you

My Czech girlfriend thinks you have to wear slippers indoors because "the floor is dirty"

there should be a song about when the funk soul brother should be checked out

Why are rulers called that? I wont obey you numbered stick!!!