Idk who needs to hear this today but Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie!

Gonna start calling nail clippers “bone scissors” and I think things are finally going to pick up for me!

The Santa Clause 3: It’s basically the plot of the original movie except the lead slowly turns into Tim “the Toolman” Taylor. Al Borland is Scrooge or Olaf. I don’t know. What, am I supposed to write the whole thing?!

My longest relationship? The shellac on my toenails. Been with me thru it all.

The perfect boyfriend doesn’t exis—

Frisbee is a great game if you like to apologize a lot.

How do I explain to my accountant that I need my little treats and that my little treats are a work expense.

In order to offset my people-pleasing, going to start using Cameos to cancel hanging out with people.

If you write “read that again” after a powerful statement, guess what my stubborn ass is NOT going to do! Read THAT again.

Ya, I have Bitcoins. A bit of coins. But I need them for laundry!

Limousines are just really long cars. Change my mind.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Except for climate change.

Last night at the club I asked the DJ to play “take me out to the ball game” and he said he didn’t have it. 😔

Over fizzing my soda stream bottles just to feel something.

Glengarry Glen Ross and Rachel.

I think it’s animal cruelty to put your own team jersey on an animal without knowing who they are actually cheering for.

What’s the point of having long hair if you’re not going to use it as a bib?!?!

How many people have you actually witnessed slipping on a banana peel? Why was I convinced this would be a bigger risk. And that risk would be laughing?

What’s your Harry Potter house? Mine is the teacher’s lounge.

Still thinking about how my mom asked me to order her a specific notebook she had wanted off Amazon that you write down all your computer passwords in. I don’t even know what emotion to feel.