It makes total sense that a plane made of trees would crash

the best to ever do it

ah yes, the ol' thriving democracy shock-gloves.

my water heater broke on the one day a year that single people are allowed to have sex

Kavinsky was simply, the coolest. RIP my man 💔

I was in charge of the cake for my friend Zach's 35th.

It sucks to lose, but he can finally get back to working on the new Nine Inch Nails album.

I'm extremely popular and well-regarded in the mosquito community.

hanging out on a corner selling baggies of bootleg diarrhea lettuce

okay how do i fix fearful avoidance by 7:45pm

They should make a filter that removes the soccer ball, so it's just a load of dudes being extremely silly in a field.

i hate when something i've done for years suddenly becomes popular.

Absolutely crushing it on bench-press lately. Probably gonna add weight to the bar soon.

I love when the Starbucks barista writes a fun little message on the cup like "enjoy!" or "please stop coming to my work, we agreed you'd get the kids every other weekend, your buzz lightyear costume makes everyone uncomfortable and yelling 'to divorce and beyond' is insane"

Before you make a Father's Day post, remember that it's a really hard day for a lot of folks. Like some people have to hang out with their kids.

I met a friend for coffee and he was trying out a bucket hat phase. No warning text, no heads-up. Just unsolicited bucket hat. Brutal.

You are immortal. From the day Jesus is born, you are given 1 million dollars every single day. You still do not have 1 trillion dollars.

The hipster music discourse is just people naming bands that were in American Apparel commercials? My man, I know bands that only released albums on wax phonograph cylinder. I know bands whose vinyls were just slices of ham. I've seen Glenn Branca get a root canal live on stage.

After yet another falling out with a friend, for the last time: Snap, Crackle, and Pop are gnomes, not elves. Elves make toys, cookies, and go to Mordor. Gnomes live in gardens and make cereal. Couldn't be simpler. Pointy ears don't mean "elf". Was Spock an elf? Get real.