You’ve Probably Seen My Face Before. 👇🏽 Everything you’re looking for.
Joined July 2010
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This is NOT how I imagined the final week of my first bodybuilding competition would go.
I’ve spent almost an entire year working toward this Saturday.
And in my head, I had this picture of exactly how these final days would look.
The perfect peak week. The perfect preparation. The perfect ending to everything I’d worked so hard for.
Instead, life had other plans.
This week has been filled with hospital visits, blood work, uncertainty about my health, changes in my body I wasn’t expecting, and some of the most uncomfortable conversations I’ve ever had with myself.
And somewhere in the middle of all that, I realized something.
I can either spend this entire week being upset that things didn’t go according to plan…
Or I can accept what’s happened, learn from it, and make the most of what’s in front of me.
Because the truth is, life doesn’t care about the plans we make.
Sometimes you do everything you can to prepare for something, and things STILL don’t go the way you imagined.
But that doesn’t mean everything you worked for was for nothing.
These pictures tell the story of my week. The swelling. The changes in my body. The food. The quiet moments. The moments where I had to put my phone down, pick up a book, and just be present.
And despite everything, I’ve found moments of peace, gratitude, and even happiness.
I don’t want to spend my life only being proud of myself when everything goes perfectly.
I want to be proud of the way I carry myself when it doesn’t.
And that’s what this week has been teaching me.
I think I’ve made my decision about whether I’m stepping on stage this Saturday.
And if you know me well enough, you probably already know what that decision is. 👀
But whatever happens, I know this much.
The work I put in over the past year was real. The lessons I’ve learned are real. And none of that disappears because one week looked different than I expected.
This one means a lot to me.
Thank you for being here through all of it. ❤️
I MAY HAVE RHABDOMYOLYSIS…
And I genuinely cannot believe how this story is unfolding.
This past weekend, just days before my bodybuilding competition, I experienced two of the most intense binge eating episodes of my life.
I thought I’d completely sabotaged myself. I blamed the swelling in my face and the changes in my body on what I’d eaten.
But here’s what we didn’t realize at first.
My coach Chris Elkins pointed out that my face actually started swelling Thursday night and got worse Friday morning, BEFORE the binges.
After going to the hospital, doctors raised the possibility of RHABDOMYOLYSIS, or rhabdo.
It’s a potentially serious condition where damaged muscle tissue breaks down and releases substances into the bloodstream that can harm the kidneys. Extreme physical exertion can be one cause.
After months of intense training, cardio, and bodybuilding prep, we’re taking that possibility seriously. I’m undergoing further testing, and nothing is confirmed yet.
But I keep asking myself: what if my body was already struggling in ways I didn’t understand?
I don’t know if the binge eating and what was happening medically were connected. I won’t pretend to have answers the doctors haven’t given me.
What I do know is that this entire experience led me to seek medical attention. And I’m grateful it did.
A few days ago, I thought I’d ruined months of hard work. Today, I’m grateful to be getting checked and learning more about what’s going on.
I don’t know if everything happens for a reason. But I can choose to find meaning in what happened.
Maybe this experience is teaching me something bigger than how to make it to a bodybuilding stage: that becoming your best also means recognizing when you need to listen to your body.
We’re still waiting for answers. I’m grateful for Chris, for everyone who’s supported me, and for the chance to understand what’s happening instead of just blaming myself.
I’ll keep you updated as we learn more.
And I’ll let you know if I’m stepping on stage this Saturday.
Thank you for being part of this journey. ❤️
This is the absolute LAST post I ever expected to be making on the Monday of my bodybuilding show week.
After months of weighing every gram of food, tracking every calorie, hitting my workouts, doing my cardio, practicing my posing, and preparing myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to step on stage this Saturday, I spent this past weekend binge eating in a way I’ve never experienced before.
And when I say binge eating, I don’t mean I went out and enjoyed a cheat meal or ate a little more than I was supposed to.
I mean I completely lost control.
I kept eating long after my stomach was telling me to stop. I was physically uncomfortable, I wasn’t even enjoying the food anymore, and yet I continued eating.
And the scariest part wasn’t even the amount of food I consumed.
It was what was going through my head while I was doing it.
At a certain point, it felt like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. Like there was a part of me that wanted to ruin everything I had worked so hard for.
And I’ve spent the last couple of days asking myself WHY.
Was I afraid I wasn’t going to look good enough on stage? Was I afraid of disappointing myself? Was I putting so much pressure on myself that I subconsciously wanted a way out?
I don’t have all the answers.
But those are some uncomfortable questions I’ve had to start asking myself.
After the first binge, I told my coach Chris Elkins everything. Every single thing I ate. We talked about it, and the plan was to move forward, reassess, and take things day by day.
The next day, I got right back to my routine. Tracked my food, followed my plan, and genuinely thought I had moved past what happened.
Then nighttime came.
What started as one extra bite of food turned into another binge. And this one was even worse than the first.
I can’t even explain how disappointed I felt afterward.
Not because I had eaten food that wasn’t on my plan. But because I had reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t stop myself from doing something I knew was hurting me.
I woke up physically miserable. My face was extremely swollen, my body felt awful, and I was looking at myself in the mirror trying to understand how I had gotten here.
And now here I am.
Five days away from the competition I’ve spent months preparing for, roughly 10 pounds heavier than I was going into the weekend, and genuinely uncertain whether I’m going to step on stage this Saturday.
Chris believes competing is still an option. Part of me wants to finish what I started. Another part of me wonders whether postponing until November would be the better decision.
Because I know how much work I put into this prep. And I also know that the choices I made this weekend have consequences.
I’m not going to sit here and blame anybody else. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen. And I’m definitely not going to ask anyone to feel sorry for me.
But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over two days.
I made those choices. I have to own them. And now I have to figure out how to move forward.
One thing this weekend has forced me to recognize is just how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself. Not only with bodybuilding, but with life in general.
Constantly working. Constantly thinking about what’s next. Constantly being on my phone. Constantly feeling like I need to be doing MORE.
And somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself enough room to just live.
So regardless of whether I compete Saturday or in November, some things are going to change.
I’m prioritizing my sleep. I’m taking real breaks from social media. I’m giving myself time to recover. And I’m going to take a serious look at my relationship with food and the pressure I’ve been putting on myself.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve figured everything out in 48 hours. I haven’t.
And I don’t want to turn this into some inspirational story about how I fell down and immediately got back up stronger than ever.
I’m still figuring it out.
20 million people saw what happened to me this weekend.
But what those pictures couldn’t show was what was happening inside my head.
This isn’t about my weight, my physique, or whether I step on stage Saturday.
It’s about the pressure we put on ourselves. The way we sometimes become our own worst enemies. And learning that taking accountability doesn’t have to mean hating yourself.
I’m still figuring things out. I’m still learning.
But one thing I’m starting to understand is that I can take responsibility for what happened without letting it define who I am.
If you’ve ever felt like you were getting in your own way, I hope this reaches you.
Thank you for all the love yesterday. I read so many of your messages, and they meant more than you know. ❤️
This is the absolute LAST post I ever expected to be making on the Monday of my bodybuilding show week.
After months of weighing every gram of food, tracking every calorie, hitting my workouts, doing my cardio, practicing my posing, and preparing myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to step on stage this Saturday, I spent this past weekend binge eating in a way I’ve never experienced before.
And when I say binge eating, I don’t mean I went out and enjoyed a cheat meal or ate a little more than I was supposed to.
I mean I completely lost control.
I kept eating long after my stomach was telling me to stop. I was physically uncomfortable, I wasn’t even enjoying the food anymore, and yet I continued eating.
And the scariest part wasn’t even the amount of food I consumed.
It was what was going through my head while I was doing it.
At a certain point, it felt like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. Like there was a part of me that wanted to ruin everything I had worked so hard for.
And I’ve spent the last couple of days asking myself WHY.
Was I afraid I wasn’t going to look good enough on stage? Was I afraid of disappointing myself? Was I putting so much pressure on myself that I subconsciously wanted a way out?
I don’t have all the answers.
But those are some uncomfortable questions I’ve had to start asking myself.
After the first binge, I told my coach Chris Elkins everything. Every single thing I ate. We talked about it, and the plan was to move forward, reassess, and take things day by day.
The next day, I got right back to my routine. Tracked my food, followed my plan, and genuinely thought I had moved past what happened.
Then nighttime came.
What started as one extra bite of food turned into another binge. And this one was even worse than the first.
I can’t even explain how disappointed I felt afterward.
Not because I had eaten food that wasn’t on my plan. But because I had reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t stop myself from doing something I knew was hurting me.
I woke up physically miserable. My face was extremely swollen, my body felt awful, and I was looking at myself in the mirror trying to understand how I had gotten here.
And now here I am.
Five days away from the competition I’ve spent months preparing for, roughly 10 pounds heavier than I was going into the weekend, and genuinely uncertain whether I’m going to step on stage this Saturday.
Chris believes competing is still an option. Part of me wants to finish what I started. Another part of me wonders whether postponing until November would be the better decision.
Because I know how much work I put into this prep. And I also know that the choices I made this weekend have consequences.
I’m not going to sit here and blame anybody else. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen. And I’m definitely not going to ask anyone to feel sorry for me.
But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over two days.
I made those choices. I have to own them. And now I have to figure out how to move forward.
One thing this weekend has forced me to recognize is just how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself. Not only with bodybuilding, but with life in general.
Constantly working. Constantly thinking about what’s next. Constantly being on my phone. Constantly feeling like I need to be doing MORE.
And somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself enough room to just live.
So regardless of whether I compete Saturday or in November, some things are going to change.
I’m prioritizing my sleep. I’m taking real breaks from social media. I’m giving myself time to recover. And I’m going to take a serious look at my relationship with food and the pressure I’ve been putting on myself.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve figured everything out in 48 hours. I haven’t.
And I don’t want to turn this into some inspirational story about how I fell down and immediately got back up stronger than ever.
I’m still figuring it out.
FOUSEY retweeted
This is the absolute LAST post I ever expected to be making on the Monday of my bodybuilding show week.
After months of weighing every gram of food, tracking every calorie, hitting my workouts, doing my cardio, practicing my posing, and preparing myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to step on stage this Saturday, I spent this past weekend binge eating in a way I’ve never experienced before.
And when I say binge eating, I don’t mean I went out and enjoyed a cheat meal or ate a little more than I was supposed to.
I mean I completely lost control.
I kept eating long after my stomach was telling me to stop. I was physically uncomfortable, I wasn’t even enjoying the food anymore, and yet I continued eating.
And the scariest part wasn’t even the amount of food I consumed.
It was what was going through my head while I was doing it.
At a certain point, it felt like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. Like there was a part of me that wanted to ruin everything I had worked so hard for.
And I’ve spent the last couple of days asking myself WHY.
Was I afraid I wasn’t going to look good enough on stage? Was I afraid of disappointing myself? Was I putting so much pressure on myself that I subconsciously wanted a way out?
I don’t have all the answers.
But those are some uncomfortable questions I’ve had to start asking myself.
After the first binge, I told my coach Chris Elkins everything. Every single thing I ate. We talked about it, and the plan was to move forward, reassess, and take things day by day.
The next day, I got right back to my routine. Tracked my food, followed my plan, and genuinely thought I had moved past what happened.
Then nighttime came.
What started as one extra bite of food turned into another binge. And this one was even worse than the first.
I can’t even explain how disappointed I felt afterward.
Not because I had eaten food that wasn’t on my plan. But because I had reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t stop myself from doing something I knew was hurting me.
I woke up physically miserable. My face was extremely swollen, my body felt awful, and I was looking at myself in the mirror trying to understand how I had gotten here.
And now here I am.
Five days away from the competition I’ve spent months preparing for, roughly 10 pounds heavier than I was going into the weekend, and genuinely uncertain whether I’m going to step on stage this Saturday.
Chris believes competing is still an option. Part of me wants to finish what I started. Another part of me wonders whether postponing until November would be the better decision.
Because I know how much work I put into this prep. And I also know that the choices I made this weekend have consequences.
I’m not going to sit here and blame anybody else. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen. And I’m definitely not going to ask anyone to feel sorry for me.
But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over two days.
I made those choices. I have to own them. And now I have to figure out how to move forward.
One thing this weekend has forced me to recognize is just how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself. Not only with bodybuilding, but with life in general.
Constantly working. Constantly thinking about what’s next. Constantly being on my phone. Constantly feeling like I need to be doing MORE.
And somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself enough room to just live.
So regardless of whether I compete Saturday or in November, some things are going to change.
I’m prioritizing my sleep. I’m taking real breaks from social media. I’m giving myself time to recover. And I’m going to take a serious look at my relationship with food and the pressure I’ve been putting on myself.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve figured everything out in 48 hours. I haven’t.
And I don’t want to turn this into some inspirational story about how I fell down and immediately got back up stronger than ever.
I’m still figuring it out.
This is the absolute LAST post I ever expected to be making on the Monday of my bodybuilding show week.
After months of weighing every gram of food, tracking every calorie, hitting my workouts, doing my cardio, practicing my posing, and preparing myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to step on stage this Saturday, I spent this past weekend binge eating in a way I’ve never experienced before.
And when I say binge eating, I don’t mean I went out and enjoyed a cheat meal or ate a little more than I was supposed to.
I mean I completely lost control.
I kept eating long after my stomach was telling me to stop. I was physically uncomfortable, I wasn’t even enjoying the food anymore, and yet I continued eating.
And the scariest part wasn’t even the amount of food I consumed.
It was what was going through my head while I was doing it.
At a certain point, it felt like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. Like there was a part of me that wanted to ruin everything I had worked so hard for.
And I’ve spent the last couple of days asking myself WHY.
Was I afraid I wasn’t going to look good enough on stage? Was I afraid of disappointing myself? Was I putting so much pressure on myself that I subconsciously wanted a way out?
I don’t have all the answers.
But those are some uncomfortable questions I’ve had to start asking myself.
After the first binge, I told my coach Chris Elkins everything. Every single thing I ate. We talked about it, and the plan was to move forward, reassess, and take things day by day.
The next day, I got right back to my routine. Tracked my food, followed my plan, and genuinely thought I had moved past what happened.
Then nighttime came.
What started as one extra bite of food turned into another binge. And this one was even worse than the first.
I can’t even explain how disappointed I felt afterward.
Not because I had eaten food that wasn’t on my plan. But because I had reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t stop myself from doing something I knew was hurting me.
I woke up physically miserable. My face was extremely swollen, my body felt awful, and I was looking at myself in the mirror trying to understand how I had gotten here.
And now here I am.
Five days away from the competition I’ve spent months preparing for, roughly 10 pounds heavier than I was going into the weekend, and genuinely uncertain whether I’m going to step on stage this Saturday.
Chris believes competing is still an option. Part of me wants to finish what I started. Another part of me wonders whether postponing until November would be the better decision.
Because I know how much work I put into this prep. And I also know that the choices I made this weekend have consequences.
I’m not going to sit here and blame anybody else. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen. And I’m definitely not going to ask anyone to feel sorry for me.
But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life beating myself up over two days.
I made those choices. I have to own them. And now I have to figure out how to move forward.
One thing this weekend has forced me to recognize is just how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself. Not only with bodybuilding, but with life in general.
Constantly working. Constantly thinking about what’s next. Constantly being on my phone. Constantly feeling like I need to be doing MORE.
And somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself enough room to just live.
So regardless of whether I compete Saturday or in November, some things are going to change.
I’m prioritizing my sleep. I’m taking real breaks from social media. I’m giving myself time to recover. And I’m going to take a serious look at my relationship with food and the pressure I’ve been putting on myself.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve figured everything out in 48 hours. I haven’t.
And I don’t want to turn this into some inspirational story about how I fell down and immediately got back up stronger than ever.
I’m still figuring it out.
But I wanted to share this because I know there are people out there who have experienced something similar.
Maybe not with bodybuilding. Maybe not with food.
But with feeling like you’re getting so close to something you’ve worked incredibly hard for, only to find yourself doing the very things that could take it away.
I know how that feels right now.
And I want you to know you’re not the only one.
As for Saturday, I’m still discussing the decision with Chris and taking my health and readiness into account. I’d genuinely love to hear your perspectives, especially from anyone who’s been through something similar.
I don’t know exactly what happens next.
But I do know that I’m not going to let one weekend define who I am or erase everything I’ve worked for.
Thank you for being part of this journey. The good, the bad, and everything in between. ❤️
FOUSEY retweeted
@fousey THE MF'ING GOAT....
SAY DIFFERENT, AND YOU WILL BE A DAMN LIAR....
FOUSEY retweeted
Not gonna lie I love this version of @fousey keep AT it
I think some people misunderstood this video.
These weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of pride. Of accomplishment. Of realizing how much I’ve sacrificed and how hard I’ve worked to get to this point.
I haven’t even stepped on stage yet, and I was overwhelmed with how proud I am of myself.
That’s what I was trying to share. When you genuinely love what you’re doing, don’t wait until you cross the finish line to appreciate it.
Sometimes you gotta stop in the middle of the journey, look around, and realize how far you’ve already come. ❤️
I think some people misunderstood this video.
These weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of pride. Of accomplishment. Of realizing how much I’ve sacrificed and how hard I’ve worked to get to this point.
I haven’t even stepped on stage yet, and I was overwhelmed with how proud I am of myself.
That’s what I was trying to share. When you genuinely love what you’re doing, don’t wait until you cross the finish line to appreciate it.
Sometimes you gotta stop in the middle of the journey, look around, and realize how far you’ve already come. ❤️
OFFICIALLY 2 WEEKS AWAY FROM STEPPING ON STAGE AGAIN! 🏆
Last week we did a 48-hour carb depletion followed by a carb load to get a better idea of how my body responds and how many carbs I might need during peak week.
For those who don’t know, the idea behind this is that when you deplete carbs, your muscles can start looking flatter as glycogen levels drop. When you introduce carbs again, you replenish that glycogen and your muscles can start looking fuller.
I know the differences might look small from one clip to the next, but in bodybuilding, those little details can make all the difference when you’re standing on stage.
I’m curious, which look was your favorite? 👀
