@fesshole

Confess your sins anon - will the internet absolve you? ADD FESS https://xitter.cf/t.co/nlr7P7crme LIVE SHOW TICKETS https://xitter.cf/t.co/OBRqMIHFJk

b3ta.com/addfess
Joined June 2018
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Your Fesshole editor has done a book, a response to the world being dominated by AI slop, he's gone back to his ZX81 & written 81 jokes and also, illustrated each one using the exact limitations of this 1981 computer. All by hand. Buy it for Xmas. spelk.press/gb/products/81-j…
81 jokes for the zx81

ALT 81 jokes for the zx81

“Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

ALT “Ridiculously niche but ridiculously joyful” Richard Herring “Greatest book ever made and you win. Profound.” Joel Morris (Philomena Cunk co-creator) “Bloody amazing” M. J. Hibbert (Hey Hey 16K songwriter) “Excellent vintage humour. Lifts corny to an art.” Otto English “A ZX Triumph. The joke book I never knew I needed.” Ben Wheatley (film director)

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I asked a run buddy for advice for running a half marathon race. He said "Find the nicest butt and just follow it at a distance until you reach the finish line." Ever since then I've been a back of the pack runner because there's only small booties in the front.
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I am a university lecturer and it is a well known fact that at academic conferences people cheat on their partners and hook up with old flames. It's one of the few things along with the pension that still makes it vaguely attractive despite the management bullshit.
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I only open packets of crisps with scissors.
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I once bought a KFC order so large my car thought it was a person sitting in the passenger seat and kept asking me to check their seatbelt
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Pushy guy from work came back to ours, expecting a threesome. Told him to do one but had pity on him enough to suggest he spend the night in the shed. Woke up to blue lights. He'd broken into our neighbour's shed.
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I recently got some new hearing aids with Bluetooth connection, the amount of wanking I've done with porn sounds streaming to my hearing aids since then is more than I'd like to admit.
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My office has a "wellbeing room" for people to go and cry, have panic attacks, call their therapist, whatever. But between 11:30 and 1:30, I go in there to have my lunch. Nobody dares disturb me and that's great for my wellbeing
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Before every flight I take, I practice landing the plane in question on Microsoft Flight Simulator, you know. Just in case. And of course every time I secretly hope my moment will come when both pilots pass out or whatever. It never has.
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On my morning dog walk, for weeks I've been playfully throwing crab apples at grey squirrels as they run along fences. Never been close apart from today when I nailed a good shot. Wasn't a squirrel but a lady's grey hair bobbing along the pathway at fence height. Ran off. Sorry.
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Whenever I dog sit my daughter's chocolate lab and he shits on his walk I make sure we go past the local Tory MPs house and it ends up in his manicured garden. Huge turds requiring two goes to get in the bag.
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I told my wife I didn't want another dog after the grief from our last one dying. Truthfully I just can't be arsed with the other dog walkers anymore. Why is a dog an invitation for an inane chat? And no, I'm not his "dad".
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Fesshole - Anonymous Confessions

Submitting a confession to Fesshole gives Fesshole permission to publish it. Duh. Also we DO NOT store your email - that asterisk saying 'required' is to stop people submitting blank confessions.

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Once got irritated by an insect that kept flying in the house. Sent a text to my wife 'fuck daddy long legs' to which she replied 'oh yeah baby' - we've never discussed it.
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The secret ingredient to my upcoming pension will unfortunately have to be crime. Don't forget to start saving young.
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My wife thinks it takes me a hour to get to work and back, I work from home and have my laptop set up at my mates house round the corner from me
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My husband has convinced me that we should both leave the living room when our cat lies on his back and wanks himself. I don't mind giving him privacy but I'd like to know whether he wanks claws in or claws out.
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Add your fess: b3ta.com/addfess
For the longest time, I thought The Wombles were declaring that they were from Wimbledon, and that they were common. Fesshole GOLD from 19th June 2021

ALT For the longest time, I thought The Wombles were declaring that they were from Wimbledon, and that they were common. Fesshole GOLD from 19th June 2021

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I have a favourite teaspoon, it's different to the rest. I don't let it do horrible jobs like making coffee. Only nice jobs like ice-cream. Can't decide on a name for my spoon, help me. I'm a gym going middle-aged man who looks like a bouncer.
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My lad is gutted we didn't get a code for the Oasis gigs. Only just realised I forgot to check one of my email addresses, and lo & behold one was sat in the inbox. Think I'll take that one to the grave with me.
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I'm a software developer at a small company. Every time a project nears completion my boss invents reasons to launch in a rush, so I've started adding a 2-3 week gap after finishing a project to actually saying it's finished. My fess is that I should have done this 3 years ago.
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