Now that the band has broken up, I am moving all my snarkiness to @thatKeithCenter. Please follow!

Live life to it's fullest! Dance like you'll never get hurt, sing like you aren't listening, and make love like there's nobody watching!

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#tradecentre capitals are rumored to have traded Oats to the Ducks for Boudreau.

I am glad that doctors have found a way to cure AIDS in babies, but we are ignoring the real issue: Gay babies having unprotected sex...

I am thinking of starting an anarchy organization; anyone interested in joining?

The gym in my building makes you sign a waver that says that you are in "good physical condition". They do know what a gym is for... right?

Partially hydrogenated oils are the bisexuals of anointment.

I want to get hired as the patriots' quarterback coach. Seriously, how freaking easy would that job be?! "Yup, just keep doing that..."

I am tweeting while live on stage at the Woolly Mammoth Theater in DC. ACTING! Your move Tom Cruise! #ESDC

Chat Roulette is exactly like Russian Roulette, except with penises instead of bullets.

Breaking News: Union workers refusing lower wages, accept deal for no wages.

Essentially the Republicans want to replace Sesame Street with Fiscal Cliff-ord the Big Red Dog...

Obama's reelection is the first "tragedy" that religious fanatics CAN, at least partially, legitimately blame on the gays.

Around election time, when anyone posts anything about "the poles", I like to secretly assume that they're talking about strip clubs #ivoted

I bought NHL2013, but the box won't open. #NHLlockout.

This year, for Halloween, my costume is "a hockey fan"; I'm staying home...

This is the world we live in: People sold stores out of bottled water in preparation for 48 hours of heaving rain... made of water...

The steelers are teaching the 'skins a lesson. That lesson is, it's hard to hold onto a football while laughing at your opponents uniforms.

When Romney was speaking, Obama looked like he was blinking out Morse code. #debate